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50 Greatest Guy Moments
 


 50 Boris Yeltsin is caught wasted on German TVafter chugging champagne  with Helmut Kohl, the rosy-faced Russkie snatches the baton from the  conductor of a police band and leads a march to Berlin's city hall.

49 GI Joe is invented. Three words: kung fu grip.

48 Letterman puts on a Velcro suit and then jumps onto a cloth wall

47 Phoebe Cates exits the pool in Fast Times.Overheard on the set that day: Judge Reinhold saying, "I'm sorry, but I still don't think my face was right. Can we do the scene one more time"

46 Bruce Lee battles Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.For five minutes in Game of Death, the two coolest guys to walk the earth fight to the death. Soon afterward, Lee actually dies.

45 Evel Knievel tries to jump Snake River Canyon.Unfortunately, the parachute in his Sky-Cycle X-2 opens a little prematurely and Evel floats into the 1,700-foot-wide canyon sans rocket.

44 Animal House premieres. Writes one critic from the Washington Post:"Appropriate to its title, the film rambles about like a mongrel in the back alley, sniffing here and there"

43 Babylonians invent beer on January 19, 6000 B.C. On January 20, they invent the term dry heave.

42 Nirvana?s Smells Like Teen Spirit  is released. All of a sudden, it?s cool not to shave or shower for five days.

41 The first riding mower is invented. Drinking while mulching becomes possible.

40 Princess Leia wears that bronze bikini in Return of the Jedi

39 Ozzy Osbourne bites off the head of a bat He then rushes to the hospital for tetanus and rabies shots. True.

38 The Hooters chain opens in 1983.

37 D Day.The biggest villain of the 20th century gets his ass handed to him by a bunch of American teenagers. Der Fuhrer books reservations in the bunker.

36 Fan Man drops in on a boxing match using his trademark fan-powered parachute, Jim Miller lands on the Riddick Bowe and Evander Holyfield fight in Las Vegas. He swiftly gets pummeled by Bowe's corner.

35 The master of my domain Seinfeld episode airs. It makes "grooming the Wookie" acceptable watercooler chatter.

34 Dock Ellis pitches a no-hitter on acid.  I took the acid at noon (the game was at 6 P.M.),  recalls the Pittsburgh Pirates" tripped-out ace. ?I also took some greenies and some bennies. So I was way out there.?

33 PlayStation is invented. Guys can now become world-class athletes without leaving the house or the couch.

32 Old Yeller gets whacked. ?Daddy, why did the doggie have to-? ?Hush, son. Dad?s got something in his eye."

31 President Bush blows chunks in Japan. His generous offering during a state dinner includes cold salmon with caviar, medallions of beef with pepper sauce and passion-fruit ice cream.

30 The first pizza is delivered in 1889 The lucky recipient: Queen Margherita of Naples.

29 Broadway Joe Namath guarantees Super Bowl III win But he fails to predict how bad he?ll suck as an actor.

28 Wayne introduces the word ?schwing? to the world Immediately, phrases such as ?Hubba hubba? and ?Yowza? become obsolete.

27 Beastie Boys ?Fight for Your Right (to Party)? video airs. Finally, a political cause we can really rally behind.

26 Dan Quayle spells potato with an E And when he tries to run for  president, we all vote ?noe.?

25 Wilt Chamberlain scores 100 points in a game That?s one point for every 2,000 women he slept with.

 24 Michael Jackson?s afro gets torched. While filming a Pepsi ad in 1984, the king of pop nearly beats it after a smoke-effects machine blows up. Good thing his new face is flame-retardant.

23 The first Victoria?s Secret catalog is delivered. Cool. Jack-off junk mail for adolescents.

22 Mike Tyson bites off Holyfield?s ear. Tastes like sweaty chicken.

21 Jenny McCarthy appears out of freakin nowhere on Singled Out. Finally,
a hot girl who we could be on farting terms with.

20 Boston Red Sox's Bill Buckner lets the Series lead go between his legs It?s a 2 mph grounder hit by the Mets. Mookie Wilson. Buckner goes left; the ball goes right. Game over. Our apologies to Bosox fans, but that shit is too funny.

19 Man invents fire in 1,418,000 B.C. and goes on to invent the Weber Genesis Platinum Grill in 2000 A.D.

18 Ric Ocasek nails Paulina Porizkova. He gives a shining ray of hope to pasty, pockmarked beanpoles everywhere.

17 Bill Clinton claims blow jobs aren?t sexual relations, giving us that legal loophole we?d all been looking for.

16 Ali Landry?s Doritos ad airs during Super Bowl XXXII. Afterward, she says, ?I?ve had chips thrown at me, like I could catch them!?  Well, she is all that"

15 Robert Plant meets Jimmy Page. Unfortunately, a few years later, Jimmy Page meets Puff Daddy.

14 The Tommy and Pamela Lee video surfaces Two thumbs way up!

13 Muhammad Ali fights wrestler Antonio Inoki. In a 15-round bout that is supposed to settle who is king of the ring, Inoki spends 15 rounds on his back, kicking Ali in the shins. Float like a butterfly, fight like a girl. The fight ends in a draw.

12 Joe Pesci stars in GoodFellas. ?I?m funny, how Funny like a clown, I?m here to fuckin amuse you.?

11 Moses parts the Red Sea .The world?s most impressive magic trick, until the Fox special Moses: Secrets Revealed.

10 Geraldo Rivera gets his bugle busted on national TV. Before Jerry Springer puts us on a first-name basis with America?s transvestites, the trash-TV pioneer finds his schnoz on the receiving end of a chair during an on-air fight between neo-Nazis and African Americans. It would have been the
biggest pay-per-view event in history had we only known in advance.

9 The bikini is invented in 1946. No model will wear it, so French designer Louis Reard has to hire a stripper to introduce it at a fashion show. The Vatican swiftly condemns it.

8 The 1980 U.S. Olympic hockey team spanks the Soviet Union. Adding insult to injury, Russians have to wait four hours in line for toilet paper after soiling themselves.

7 ?Me So Horny? video debuts Finally, a song that expresses man?s journey to discover inner peace.

6 The O.J. car chase. Ford Bronco sales go up 25 percent in the following three months. No joke.

5 Homer Simpson sells his soul to the devil for a doughnut. Homer: ?Hey, wait. If I don?t finish this last bite, you don?t get my soul, do you? Satan: ?Well, technically, no, but? Homer [singing]: ?I?m smarter than the Devil!?

4 Prohibition is repealed.

3 President Reagan jokingly kicks off nuclear war. While testing his microphone, he deadpans, ?I?ve signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes.?

2 Astronaut Alan Shepard plays golf on the moon. Because in space, nobody can hear you scream: ?Shit! I double-bogeyed on a mulligan!?

1 Alyssa Milano is born on December 19, 1972. Her luscious curves arrive 16 years and 8 months later.

And...the 5 WORST GUY MOMENTS Events we?ve all tried to erase from our memories.

5 Lilith Fair debuts And our stock in Bic Lady Shavers plummets.

4 Oprah premieres Women get a national forum to talk to one another about what their guys do
wrong. Suddenly, if you ain?t Alan Alda, you?re Howard Stern.

3 Theismann?s leg snaps in two places Sweet mother of God! Don?t even talk about it

2 Yoko meets the Beatles . Shorty thereafter, the Beatles split, Paul forms Wings and pens the dentist-waiting-room classic ?Silly Love Songs.?

1 John Wayne Bobbitt gets sliced. The collective groan uttered by  men across the nation registers as a six on the Richter scale.      

 


 
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