1. A is for
academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're
not here, so leave a message.
2. Please leave a
message. However, you have the right to remain silent.
Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by
3. Hi. I'm
probably home. I'm avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a
message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
4. Hi, I'm not at
home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk
to it instead. Wait for the beep.
5. If you are a
burglar, then we're at home cleaning our weapons right now and
can't answer the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and
it is safe to leave us a message.
6. He-lo! This is
Santo. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave
"sexy message," I call you sooner!
7. Hi! John's
answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please
speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with
one of these magnets.
8. Hello, You are
talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My
owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their
carpets are clean. They give to charities through their office
and do not need their pictures taken. If you’re still with me,
leave your name and number and they will get back to
9. This is not an
answering machine. This is a telepathic thought recording
device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for
calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think
about returning your call.
10. Hi, this is
George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a
message, and then wait by your phone until I call you
11. Hello, you've
reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now,
because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes
doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right, real
slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our
teeth, we’ll get back to you.
12. I'm sorry,
I've been trying to break the record for "the most calls
missed" if it's a emergency, please hold on till the record is
broken. And I will call you back.
13. Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I
already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send
If you are financial aid, you didn't lend me enough
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't
worry, I have plenty of money.
14. Hi, this is
Stephanie's answering machine. If you're the phone company
asking for money, stop bugging her, she'll send it sooner or
later. If you're a TV company advertising TVs, she already has
a TV with every channel known to man, and several known to
monkeys. If you called for any other reasons, please hang up
the phone, start screaming, and run to the nearest shoe store.
When you get there, ask them for a cheeseburger.
15. "Hello... HELLO?? I can't hear
you! What? Oh.. we're not home, leave a message.
16. Hello, you have reached the ____ family and we can
not come to the phone right now. Please leave your name, phone
number, short message, social security number, and credit card
number and we will call you when we're done
17. We're sorry.
You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone
90 degrees and try again.
18. Hi. I'm home
right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and
if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the
phone. Otherwise, well, what can I