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Funny Celebrity Quotes
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When I was growing up, there were two things that were unpopular in my house. One was me, and the other was my guitar  Bruce Springsteen

Old age isnít so bad when you consider the alternatives. Maurice Chevalier

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age. Lucille Ball

I feel sorry for people who donít drink. They wake up in the morning and thatís the best they are going to feel all day. Frank Sinatra

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I canít remember if itís the thirteenth or the fourteenth. George Burns

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. Charles Lamb

Women prefer men who have something tender about them - especially legal tender. Kay Ingram

Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee. David Frost

There are three ways to get something done; do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it. Mona Crane

I wonít say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like ĎWhat Iím going to be if I grow up.í Lenny Bruce

Bessie Braddock to Winston Churchill: Winston, youíre drunk.
Churchill: Bessie, youíre ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober.

Itís better to be looked over than overlooked. Mae West

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects. Les Dawson

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. George Bernard Shaw

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. Charlotte Whitton

I never hated a man enough to give him diamonds back. Zsa Zsa Gabor

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge. Spike Milligan

Iím not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. Groucho Marx

A good sermon should be like a womanís skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials. Ronald Knox

Always be sincere, even if you donít mean it. Harry S. Truman

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. Mark Twain

A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is just putting on its shoes. Mark Twain

When Iím good, Iím very, very good, but when Iím bad, Iím better. Mae West

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. W.C. Fields

Iíve had a wonderful evening - but this wasnít it. Groucho Marx

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because Iíve done it thousands of times. Mark Twain

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall. Eleanor Roosevelt

Itís not true I had nothing on. I had the radio on. Marilyn Monroe, asked if she really had nothing on in a calendar photograph

Chanel No. 5. Marilyn Monroe, asked what she wore in bed

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
Billy Crystal

Lugestrategy? Lie flat and try not to die. Carmen Boyle Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner - 1996

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.
Sharon Stone

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you have got it made.
Groucho Marx

There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane:
Either you have diarrhea, or youíre eager to meet people who do.
Henry Kissenger former US Secretary of State

My girlfriend always laughs during sex no matter what sheís reading. Steve Jobs Founder: Apple Computers

When the sun comes up, I have morals again. Elizabeth Taylor

 Thereís very little advice in menís magazines, because men think, I know what Iím doing. Just show me somebody naked. Jerry Seinfield

Instead of getting married again, Iím going to find some woman I really donít like and just give her a house. Rod Stewart