Cocaine is God's way
of telling you you are making too much money.
Carpe per diem - seize the
If it's the Psychic Network why do they
need a phone number?
Reality is just a crutch for people who
can't cope with drugs.
Spring is nature's way of saying,
The only people flying to Europe will
be terrorists, so it will be, "Will you be sitting in armed or
The Russians love Brooke Shields
because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.
We had gay burglars the other night.
They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
We have a president for whom English is
a second language. He's like 'We have to get rid of dictators,' but
he's pretty much one himself.
When the media ask George W. Bush a
question, he answers, 'Can I use a lifeline?'
You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never
drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
Williams is 'the Tasmanian devil
And now that you have a child you
have to clean up your act, 'cause you can't drink anymore. You can't
come home drunk and go, 'Hey, here's a little switch: Daddy's gonna
throw up on you!'
See, the problem is that God gives men
a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a
Ballet: Men wearing pants so
tight that you can tell what religion they are.
You can start any Monty Python
routine and people finish it for you. Everyone knows it like
About Canada - "Canada is like a
loft apartment over a really great party.
Comedy is acting out
I'm looking at a group of heavily
armed people here. I'm telling myself 'if you're not funny, it's a
problem' - to troops in Iraq
If you watch it backwards, it has
a plot." - about Popeye
Everyone has these two visions
when they hold their child for the first time. The first is your
child as an adult saying 'I want to thank the Nobel Committee for
this award.' The other is 'You want fries with that?'
A woman would never make a
nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills, no, no.
They'd make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while.
For a while you get mad, then you
get over it. They're afraid of saying Olive Oyl is anorexic. It
tells you about the state of humor. It's strange to think: how
afraid are you? We thought that they got the irony of it. I guess
You're only given one little
spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.
They're talking about partial
nuclear disarmament, which is also like talking about partial
circumcision- you either go all the way or forget it.