Rules of Man
The unwritten code put to print


Despite the typical over analysis , men know we are a simplified, streamlined well oiled machine. What follows are the basic rules every man knows (or should know). Most of these rules have been taught from generation to generation through observation. Occasionally these rules are verbally taught, although man is a better visual learner than listener. The list that follows is in no specific order. men have rules, not prioritized rules (that's not simplified).

*Warning, this list does contain "the" rule. If you are easily offended, do not continue.

Don't be a wuss. This lesson is normally learned early on and in many cases, verbally instructed. Some commonly referenced items are:

 "there is no crying during ...". This is used when there is a public display of emotion during a sporting event or other competitive situation. This is normally used in the early years of man-training. If you need to use this on someone over seven, you have a problem on your hands (and probably will for a long timeÖ you know what Iím talking about).

 "walk it off". This is another popular phrase used to minimize a moment of "wussness" during a physical activity. Most popularly used for falling off bikes, collisions with objects while running etc.

 The walk-away. In some instances, it is best to walk away from a situation where there is a display of weakness. This allows for the person to gather themselves and for you to pretend it didn't happen.

 No sandals. This is not one of the older rules, but it remains important nonetheless. Men donít wear sandals, period. There are males who own or wear sandals, no men. There has been an attempt in recent years to try and popularize sandals and "sport" sandals. This marketing May work on women and effeminate men, no-one else. As with all rules of man, there are no exceptions.

Return all power equipment borrowed in working order. This is an often joked about rule. This rule does not carry with it the repercussions of the next rule. Power equipment is purchased typically for two reasons: 1 so you can complete a project/job you are working on and 2 so that you have something to barter to your friends with. Half the reason for owning equipment is so you have the ability to loan it out. Knowing this, there is a small allowance for the freak ROO (Returned Out of Order). Make no mistake about it, an abuser of the rule relinquishes any future right to borrow.

Never mistreat another manís dog. Break this rule, and know to expect serious consequences. There is a long standing phrase regarding the act of being charitable that can easily be adopted to this rule: What you give, you get back ten-fold.

Don't drink girl drinks. Universally understood, yet occasionally broken during periods of relaxation. It should be noted that even if your significant other hand delivers one of these to you while relaxing on a topless Caribbean beach it is your duty to drop, dump, spill,tip or otherwise get rid of it. There is no reason (or allowance) for drinking girl drinksÖ end of story.

Don't ask someone to do something you wouldn't. It should be recognized that this is also noted as a key leadership quality. This may be why it is often stated that men are natural leaders. Guys don't ask people to do things that they would not do or attempt to do themselves. Wusses and jackasses do, men don't.

Don't mess around with coworkers. Often stated as "don't shit where you eat". Unfortunately this rule is broken too frequently due to poor rationalization. Unless your life has reached a boredom level of critical mass, there is no reason to even consider this. If you have a significant other, be a man and remember why you chose that person in the first place. If you don't have a significant other, get a life. If you want a partner, go get one that you are not "chained" to at work. If you canít get one, guess whatÖ the one you work with is going to bail on you once they realize your a loser. Deal with it.

Don't laugh when you pass gas. This rule was developed simply to help you get more enjoyment out of life. The whole point of passing gas amongst others is purely for the enjoyment of the expression on their faces from the realization that something stinks. A smirk or cheshire cat grin is a dead giveaway and will force the person or persons within odor range to pretend like they don't smell anything, ruining seventy percent of the reason you let one rip in the first place.

Never talk to a man in a bathroom stall. I am amused at how frequently this rule is broken in work settings. There is no reason to speak to a man in a stall, not even if you have the opportunity to make the deal of a lifetime on your dream Lamborghini. Whatever you think you need to say, just shut up and wait till a man takes care of business.

Donít intentionally color coordinate your clothes. If you think it is becoming "cool" or acceptable to know what color goes with what, you are wrong. Men don't coordinate, period. If your significant other is trying to explain to you why you should be coordinating and you donít automatically ignore, there are two problems. If you don't know what those two things are, you need to restart at the beginning of this reference manual.

Always ask forgiveness, not permission. If you have a significant other, this is one of the great ones. Men almost instinctively utilize this rule now as if it is part of the genetic code. It has universal applications, from forgetting a birthday or other girly event to the purchase of a new motorcycle or speedboat. There is almost nothing you canít do with this baby if you keep an open mind. When used properly, this rule alone can provide man with a happy and fulfilling life. Asking permission is for children or those who are not self sustaining and that's it. No man would be caught dead asking for permission.

All women are nuts. Yeah, thatís rightÖ I mentioned the golden rule. This is the grand-daddy of them all. We chase 'em, we get married and have families with them, but every man alive knows this rule. It is an inevitable learning event handed down literally since the beginning of mankind. For those of you (women) who have never heard this before, I'm not talking about the "she's in a mood" conversation between buddies, Iím talking about the talk.

When you're a kid, you get the this is how we keep our species going" talk. Once your hooked, you get the "side effects may containÖ" or "did I mentionÖ" talk. If youíre engaged or married you have probably already been given this speech from the tribal elders, if not, itís coming.

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