A major research institution has recently
announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to
science. The new element has been named "Governmentium."
Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant
neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy
neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles
are held together by forces called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called
peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert.
However, it can be detected, as it impedes every reaction with
which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium
causes one reaction to take over four days to complete, when
it would normally take less than a second.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4
years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a
reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons
and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's
mass will actually increase over time, since each
reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons,
forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads
some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed
whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical
Morass." When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes
Administratium - an element which radiates just as much
energy, since it has half as many peons but twice as many