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THE LITTLE BOOK OF INDISCREET JOYS

(SUGGESTIONS FOR ESCAPING THE HUMDRUM IN YOUR LIFE!)


1. If you are female, write your phone number on the bathroom wall of a barrio dive with the words "Yo soy una puta alegre" below it. Open yourself to people of different backgrounds.

2. Allow a Ouija board to determine on which horse you will bet your spouse's entire 401K earnings.

3. Write several inmates on death row and several murderers due to be released soon and use your real address, not some cop-out p.o. box. Love is an open front door, not a locked p.o. box.

4. Become an alcoholic for one year of your life. In vino est veritas. Watch wisdom accumulate like the dirt under your fingernails and the green blush under your scrotum. "Cirrhosis is the handmaiden of kingly wisdom"--Mickey Mantle.

5. Base a weekend love trip with a schizophrenic friend on The Book of Revelations. Be creative! Make CNN notice!

6. Invite neighbors over for a colorful game of backyard charades. Make Robert Mapplethorpe photos the theme for the evening. Don't forget the bullwhip, the calla lilies or the Crisco!

7. Leave a crack baby on a friend's doorstoop.

8. Take the 10 Commandments as the 10 Suggestions. The best chefs will tell you recipes are for sissies.

9.  Love like your heart has never been broken. Dance like no one's watching. Jew 'em down like there never was a price.

10. Write John Hinckley that love letter from Jodie Foster he's been waiting decades for.

11. Make a plaster cast of your penis or vagina for your lover's desk at work.

12. Invite everyone attending a funeral to an orgy immediately afterwards instead of a wake. Which would you prefer after such a downer--a celery stick with peanut butter or an orgasm?

13. Sell an acquaintance's soul to the devil without their knowledge.

14. Look upon hepatitis C as an adventure! Determine yourself to convert it to at least hepatitis C+ or B-.

15. Sleep with that junior high, grade school or kindergarten teacher you always fantasized about. Leave them a note grading their sex.

16. Translate a Shakespeare play into Ebonics. Translate a rap c.d. into Elizabethan English. Perform both for an audience of Chinese Americans.

17. Commit a serious crime so that you get a beautiful jailhouse tattoo. Everyone knows the best tat artists are under lockdown.

18. Try a gila lizard, crow or hamster recipe. You probably hated broccoli once too.

19. Learn a foreign language like CarSalesman or MiddleManagement or CrackWhore. Speak this language only with your lover.

20. Allow a starving artist to live in your backyard shed. Sell all their products on Ebay and keep all profits.

21. Start a sex change fund for an underprivileged trannie.

22. Sneak into a cyclotron with your lover. Make love while you are bombarded by subatomic particles. Maybe you will become X-men or X-women!

23. Put butterflies in your lover's toilet. When he or she lifts the lid...voila magic! Bats in the underwear drawer also make a magnificent display.

24. Send your ex's new lover pictures of your ex's genitals or videos of your lovemaking with your ex. Just to remind them of how fabulous their lover is, and what a good sport they are when it comes to being filmed.

25. Practice random acts of gender reassignment.

26. Kidnap someone from New Jersey and release them in any other state. This is not a crime.

27. Stand up in the theater during Act II of any Mozart opera and begin singing "Rock Me Amadeus" in your loudest voice.

28. Act out a Bon Jovi video while making love to a stranger in a motel just for kicks.

29. When visiting someone in a hospital, put on a white coat and stop in a patient's room and tell they must have a blood transfusion but the only donors the hospital could find on short notice are Steven Tyler and the other band members of Aerosmith.

30. Speak with a fake Swedish accent at work. See if you can make it through a whole day without being fired.

31. Have a friend phone in a fake ransom demand to your significant other. Find out how much you are really worth to them.

32. Insist you were once a member of the B-52s to everyone you know. Cut out pictures of yourself and photoshop them into album pictures and publicity stills. Insist you wrote the line "There goes a narwhal" in "Rock Lobster." Maintain this delusional behavior until someone (either work or family) gives you a free vacation.

33. Follow a stray cat for several days, eating what he eats, drinking what he drinks, killing as he kills. You will be truly "street" then.

34. When called for jury duty, insist anyone whose name has more than three vowels in it is "guilty as sin and should receive the death penalty."

35. Leave pink jelly dildos standing on the shelves in various departments of your nearby Walmart store. Put the cover of Martha Stewart's Living magazine around the current issues of Hustler and Beaver Torture 101 and stock these on Walmart's shelves.

36. Put an egg vibrator inside one of the cartons of eggs at your local supermarket.

37. Challenge your friends to a game of "Robert Downy Jr" in a wealthy neighborhood.

38. Try to sell investors on The Christopher Reeve School of Equestrian Arts, the Kurt Cobain Shooting Range or the James Dean School of Auto Racing.

39. Find a new entryway on your lover. Use it often.

40. Find a new crime that expresses your inner self.

41. Learn how to distinguish between a wino, a rummie and a whiskey dog. Pride yourself on your correct use of terminology.

42. Show children how to assemble and break down a meth lab in three minutes flat. Few trades can be learned in a day. We must value those that can.

43. Trim your cat's toe nails. Scatter the clippings in the buffet at a Chinese restaurant. Put a cat's i.d. tag in the General Tso's chicken.

44. Organize a Goth Crab Fest near a Ku Klux Klan meet.

45. Play "Spot the Tweakiest Hooker" on the boardwalk at Atlantic City or Wildwood NJ.

46. Have a condom and syringe scavenger hunt on the side of any major highway or interstate. First one to get to 20 wins.

47. Call black men at random and pretend to be their illegitimate child.

48. For gays and lesbians: a gay man marries a lesbian and then her lover and his also marry each other. They all live together in the same house to enjoy the benefits straight people routinely do.

49. Introduce a bill in the Senate to deny squirrels the right to marry.

50. Introduce a bill in the Senate to have West Viriginia change its state motto to "The Hills Have Eyes."

51. Paint homeless people's toenails funky rainbow colors so they are surprised when they awake/come out of a stupor.

52. Release hamsters tied to helium balloons to celebrate Aerial Rodent Day and attempt to establish this as a national holiday.

53. Show up and Walmart and tell them you're there to "matriculate," that you been told to matriculate here by the corporate headquarters and time how long it takes them to figure out what this means and that you are pulling their collective dick.

54. Pick a car at random. Follow it all day and when the vehicle finally arrives home tell the occupants you were hoping they were going to the Okeechobee Swamp but since they aren't can they help you with directions?

55. Call Walmart and ask if they sell "scab remover."

56. Call Walmart and ask if they have "spotted dick remover."

57. Call Walmart and ask what aisle the hookers hang out in.

58. Call Walmart and ask them how much the children you saw advertised in the lobby cost?

W.B. Keckler
http://joeybrainardspyjamas.blogspot.com