1. If you are female,
write your phone number on the bathroom wall of a barrio dive
with the words "Yo soy una puta alegre" below it. Open
yourself to people of different backgrounds.
2. Allow a Ouija board to determine on which
horse you will bet your spouse's entire 401K
3. Write several inmates on death row and
several murderers due to be released soon and use your real
address, not some cop-out p.o. box. Love is an open front
door, not a locked p.o. box.
4. Become an alcoholic for one year of your
life. In vino est veritas. Watch wisdom accumulate like the
dirt under your fingernails and the green blush under your
scrotum. "Cirrhosis is the handmaiden of kingly
5. Base a weekend love trip with a
schizophrenic friend on The Book of Revelations. Be
creative! Make CNN notice!
6. Invite neighbors over for a colorful game
of backyard charades. Make Robert Mapplethorpe photos the
theme for the evening. Don't forget the bullwhip, the calla
lilies or the Crisco!
7. Leave a crack baby on a friend's
8. Take the 10 Commandments as the 10
Suggestions. The best chefs will tell you recipes are for
9. Love like your heart has never been
broken. Dance like no one's watching. Jew 'em down like
there never was a price.
10. Write John Hinckley that love letter from
Jodie Foster he's been waiting decades for.
11. Make a plaster cast of your penis or
vagina for your lover's desk at work.
12. Invite everyone attending a funeral to an
orgy immediately afterwards instead of a wake. Which would you
prefer after such a downer--a celery stick with peanut butter
or an orgasm?
13. Sell an acquaintance's soul to the devil
without their knowledge.
14. Look upon hepatitis C as an adventure!
Determine yourself to convert it to at least hepatitis C+ or
15. Sleep with that junior high, grade school
or kindergarten teacher you always fantasized about. Leave
them a note grading their sex.
16. Translate a Shakespeare play into
Ebonics. Translate a rap c.d. into Elizabethan English.
Perform both for an audience of Chinese Americans.
17. Commit a serious crime so that you get a
beautiful jailhouse tattoo. Everyone knows the best tat
artists are under lockdown.
18. Try a gila lizard, crow or hamster
recipe. You probably hated broccoli once too.
19. Learn a foreign language like CarSalesman
or MiddleManagement or CrackWhore. Speak this language only
with your lover.
20. Allow a starving artist to live in your
backyard shed. Sell all their products on Ebay and keep all
21. Start a sex change fund for an
22. Sneak into a cyclotron with your lover.
Make love while you are bombarded by subatomic particles.
Maybe you will become X-men or X-women!
23. Put butterflies in your lover's toilet.
When he or she lifts the lid...voila magic! Bats in the
underwear drawer also make a magnificent display.
24. Send your ex's new lover pictures of your
ex's genitals or videos of your lovemaking with your ex. Just
to remind them of how fabulous their lover is, and what a good
sport they are when it comes to being filmed.
25. Practice random acts of gender
26. Kidnap someone from New Jersey and
release them in any other state. This is not a
27. Stand up in the theater during Act II of
any Mozart opera and begin singing "Rock Me Amadeus" in your
28. Act out a Bon Jovi video while making
love to a stranger in a motel just for kicks.
29. When visiting someone in a hospital, put
on a white coat and stop in a patient's room and tell they
must have a blood transfusion but the only donors the hospital
could find on short notice are Steven Tyler and the other band
members of Aerosmith.
30. Speak with a fake Swedish accent at
work. See if you can make it through a whole day without
31. Have a friend phone in a fake ransom
demand to your significant other. Find out how much you are
really worth to them.
32. Insist you were once a member of the
B-52s to everyone you know. Cut out pictures of yourself and
photoshop them into album pictures and publicity stills.
Insist you wrote the line "There goes a narwhal" in "Rock
Lobster." Maintain this delusional behavior until someone
(either work or family) gives you a free vacation.
33. Follow a stray cat for several days,
eating what he eats, drinking what he drinks, killing as he
kills. You will be truly "street" then.
34. When called for jury duty, insist anyone
whose name has more than three vowels in it is "guilty as sin
and should receive the death penalty."
35. Leave pink jelly dildos standing on the
shelves in various departments of your nearby Walmart store.
Put the cover of Martha Stewart's Living magazine around the
current issues of Hustler and Beaver Torture 101 and stock
these on Walmart's shelves.
36. Put an egg vibrator inside one of the
cartons of eggs at your local supermarket.
37. Challenge your friends to a game of
"Robert Downy Jr" in a wealthy neighborhood.
38. Try to sell investors on The Christopher
Reeve School of Equestrian Arts, the Kurt Cobain Shooting
Range or the James Dean School of Auto Racing.
39. Find a new entryway on your lover. Use it
40. Find a new crime that expresses your
41. Learn how to distinguish between a wino,
a rummie and a whiskey dog. Pride yourself on your correct
use of terminology.
42. Show children how to assemble and break
down a meth lab in three minutes flat. Few trades can be
learned in a day. We must value those that can.
43. Trim your cat's toe nails. Scatter the
clippings in the buffet at a Chinese restaurant. Put a cat's
i.d. tag in the General Tso's chicken.
44. Organize a Goth Crab Fest near a Ku Klux
45. Play "Spot the Tweakiest Hooker" on the
boardwalk at Atlantic City or Wildwood NJ.
46. Have a condom and syringe scavenger hunt
on the side of any major highway or interstate. First one to
get to 20 wins.
47. Call black men at random and pretend to
be their illegitimate child.
48. For gays and lesbians: a gay man marries
a lesbian and then her lover and his also marry each other.
They all live together in the same house to enjoy the benefits
straight people routinely do.
49. Introduce a bill in the Senate to deny
squirrels the right to marry.
50. Introduce a bill in the Senate to have
West Viriginia change its state motto to "The Hills Have
51. Paint homeless people's toenails funky
rainbow colors so they are surprised when they awake/come out
of a stupor.
52. Release hamsters tied to helium balloons
to celebrate Aerial Rodent Day and attempt to establish this
as a national holiday.
53. Show up and Walmart and tell them you're
there to "matriculate," that you been told to matriculate here
by the corporate headquarters and time how long it takes them
to figure out what this means and that you are pulling their
54. Pick a car at random. Follow it all day
and when the vehicle finally arrives home tell the occupants
you were hoping they were going to the Okeechobee Swamp but
since they aren't can they help you with
55. Call Walmart and ask if they sell "scab
56. Call Walmart and ask if they have
"spotted dick remover."
57. Call Walmart and ask what aisle the
hookers hang out in.
58. Call Walmart and ask them how much the
children you saw advertised in the lobby